By G. A. Custer, VI
Entering the room to the tune of "She Wore a Yellow Ribbon" played by the Air Force Marching Band, and wearing an original pair of John Wayne boots and spurs worn in the movie of the same title, President Trump told reporters that opponents of U.S. occupation forces in Asia are in for a big surprise.
It was only the third White House press conference in nearly nine months. The lowest yearly total during President Obama's two terms was 23. According to advisors, the press conference was hastily called an attempt to counteract the seemingly endless stream of bad news coming out of Asia and with polls showing almost two-thirds of the American people opposing his recent saber rattling.
Full Body Cavity Search for Hillary
Trump was just about to aswer when a tussle broke out, and a woman was hastily pulled from the room. Trump seemed to ignore what was happening and thanked Rush for his question, and after congratulating him on successfully completing his 14th whirlwind thirty day drug detox program, explained that "Hillary was just escorted from the room and detained for a routine security check and doesn't belong in this room anyway and has no press credentials. She'll undergo a full body cavity search but then be released. In any case, I'd like to thank Mr. Limbaugh for filling in for one of those fake news guy I had banned. . Now as to your queston. . . . Kim is brutal dictator, but soon will be gone. I'm hoping they'll finish the covert operations in a couple of weeks."
Guano or Guantanamo?
The next question was from a CNN reporter, who pointing to the portrait hanging behind the president said, "I see you've replaced the portrait of George Washington with one of General Custer. Should we read anything symbolic into this?" The president smirked again, countering, "Well John from Fake News, I'm glad you asked that. You see, we both share something in common. In the face of danger, we never turn tail and run. Confronted by six thousand warriers at the Little Bighorn, Custer gallantly charged those heathens and told them to 'bring it on.' So when I issued the same challenge to that two bit fat boy Kim, I was carrying on in the General Custer tradition."
The More Terror Attacks the Better
The president seemed stunned by the challenge, and was overheard whispering to an aid "How the f--k did she get in here? . . . Was what she said true?" However, he quickly recovered and said, "No. That's Fake Indian news. I'll take two more questions." The first question dealt with the rising number of American casualties in Afghanistan. President Trump responded with a smirk, saying, "Well I told you all this before. So this is the last time I'm going to deal with it. So get your pencils necks out, Geeks. The more soldiers they kill, the more it means we are succeeding. So by my body count, we've just had a couple of real good weeks."
The final question came from a reporter from The New York Times, and concerned the president's recent decision to prohibit transgender soldiers in the military, "I'm all for gays and stuff like that, after all, I'm a uniter not a divider. I'm only opposed to those freaks, like those Bruce Jenner types, in the military. The service is supposed to be only for men or women. Not turncoats on their own sex. When you grab a crotch, you want pussy to be their, not a dick. Thank you and god bless America."
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