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Trump Crowned Emperor,
Senate Opposition Crumbles

Key Dems abstain in historic Senate vote.

By Graccus Commodus

With the final Senate vote in doubt even as the role call began, a small but crucial block of black-mailed Democratic senators abstained from voting on a Republican sponsored bill to confirm President Trump as the nation's first emperor. The Democratic faction, combined with a larger Republican faction handed Trump the imperial chair by a single vote.

Reversal of Fortune
The reversal of fortune for the former president turned emperor was truly mind-boggling. For months he had been facing potential impeachment proceedings triggered by both gross incompetence, corrupt dealings with Russia, and white supremacist tendencies linked to his support for the Klan/Nazis and keeping statues of Confederate generals on public proerty. Defenders of the president had countered the impeachment movement with a campaign of their own to elevate him to the position of emperor.

The emperor may only be addressed by his American first name in private by close family members, cabinet officers, and personal servants and prison slaves.

Said Senator Shumer, "The realities of the war on terrorism and the continuing threat from ISIS warrants America having a strong leader that can act in times of emergency. While in principle I do not support our having an emperor, neither could I oppose it under the present circumstances. Which is why I formed a bipartisan committee and proposed some critical amendments to bill S-007-666-666, popularly known as the "Barbarians at the Gate" bill.

Senator Shumer explained that "the amendments which were successfully included thanks to our bipartisan efforts include limiting the number of emperor-ordered executions to ten in any given calendar year, with a stipulation that additonal executions must be approved by the Senate; a provison that makes women and minorities eligible to be emperor; a provision that limits the emperor's reign to ten years unless the term expires during a time of war; a provision which calls for a national election if the emperor dies before serving the ten year term; a requirement that Falwellorian Guard honor federal equal opportunity laws in hiring; a "Caligula provision" that prevents the emperor from adding his own personal appointees to the senate, including horses; and a strict limit to the number of exempt-from-constitutional law slaves and servants the emperor may employ. Nevertheless, less anyone misuderstand my position, I remain totally opposed to our having an emperor and am confident that the position will be phased out once ISIS is defeated."

In a gesture of bipartisanism, Chuck Shumer and John McCain were given the honor of placing the crown of $1000 dollar bills on the former president's head.

Giganticus Dufuscus Trumpanicus
The victors, led by Senate Majority leader Mitch McConnell (right), wasted no time in calling their new emperor before the Senate to confirm him. In a gesture of bipartisanism, Chuck Shumer and John McCain were given the honor of placing the crown on the former president's head. However, there was a brief scuffle when secret service agents insisted on making formr Senator Hillary Clinton, who was in the gallery, walk through a metal detector and undergo a body cavity search. Another brief delay occured because the new law requires emperors to select a Roman name. American sirnames may only be used in private by close family members, cabinet officers, and favorite slaves. When Trump stared blankly into space and faltered at picking a Roman name, it was a reluctant Senator Bernie Sanders (already under arrest but allowed to attend the ceremony) who came up with the emperor's offical Roman designation, which he was allowed to officially read into the record as "Giganticus Dufuscus Trumpanicus."

Minutes later, and under the watchful gaze of his newly commissioned Falwellorian Guard, Donald Trump was crowned the first Emperor of the United States. As the "nay" voting members of both Houses looked on sheepishly, they placed the beautifully crafted crown (made from 24 golden Enron "E's" fashioned into a circle) on the former president's head.

Hail Trumpanicus
To the sounds of trumpets and rousing cheers of "Hail Trumpanicus," the emperor ascended his thrown to address the nation. "Members of the patrican class, corporate sponsors, fellow Republicans, oil company and media CEOs, quisling members of the Democratic Party, and fellow citizens of the new world order, I humbly thank you all for the opportunity to be your first and greatest emperor."

"On this solemn occasion, I would like to pay tribute to our supreme creator, who has blessed me with my white patrician blood line and god-given entitlement to rule. I would like to thank the Congress for approving and funding the architectural changes I suggested (carving my head on Mt. Rushmore) even before my confirmation was official. I would also like to extend my special thanks to rabid supporters who fought the liberals in the street. If not for their blind support against the disloyal majority, I would not be standing here before you today as your emperor."

  "I want to speak to you about an even greater threat. The threat of traitors and the disloyal within our own Congress."

"Before I read you my usual laundry list of horror stories about immigrants and ISIS, I want to speak to you about an even greater threat. The threat of traitors and the disloyal within our own Congress. Yes, I know it's hard to believe, but there are still a few who refuse to bow down before their representative of god on earth."

Disloyal Traitors
Holding up a doctored-looking photo of Michael Moore shaking hands with Hillary Clinton and standing in front of the New York Times building, he continued: "Lists of the disloyal are being prepared. First on the list are all those who opposed my ability to protect American citizens by barring Muslim immigrants from entering the country and supporting the criminal Obama. To assist Procouncil (formerly as the Attorneys General) Sessions the persuit of traitors, I have promoted Reverend Jerry Falwell to the rank of general and commander of my Praetorian Guard, and renamed them the Fallwellian Guard in his honor."

Emperor Trumpanicus also announced a series of imperial appoinments, including David Duke as honorary court jester, Joe Arapiro as curator of the imperial dungeon and torture chamber, and Ann Coulter as the commander of the gumare's garrison of Washington, Pat Robertson as the White House chaplin, and Rupert Murdoch as minister of education and propoganda.   

Whether or not this nightmare scenario ever really takes place is up to YOU.
The Editors, The New York Slime, August 20, 2017

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