By Graccus Commodus
With the final Senate vote in doubt even as the role call began, a small but crucial block of black-mailed Democratic senators abstained from voting on a Republican sponsored bill to confirm President Trump as the nation's first emperor. The Democratic faction, combined with a larger Republican faction handed Trump the imperial chair by a single vote.
Reversal of Fortune
Said Senator Shumer, "The realities of the war on terrorism and the continuing threat from ISIS warrants America having a strong leader that can act in times of emergency. While in principle I do not support our having an emperor, neither could I oppose it under the present circumstances. Which is why I formed a bipartisan committee and proposed some critical amendments to bill S-007-666-666, popularly known as the "Barbarians at the Gate" bill.
Senator Shumer explained that "the amendments which were successfully included thanks to our bipartisan efforts include limiting the number of emperor-ordered executions to ten in any given calendar year, with a stipulation that additonal executions must be approved by the Senate; a provison that makes women and minorities eligible to be emperor; a provision that limits the emperor's reign to ten years unless the term expires during a time of war; a provision which calls for a national election if the emperor dies before serving the ten year term; a requirement that Falwellorian Guard honor federal equal opportunity laws in hiring; a "Caligula provision" that prevents the emperor from adding his own personal appointees to the senate, including horses; and a strict limit to the number of exempt-from-constitutional law slaves and servants the emperor may employ. Nevertheless, less anyone misuderstand my position, I remain totally opposed to our having an emperor and am confident that the position will be phased out once ISIS is defeated."
Giganticus Dufuscus Trumpanicus
Minutes later, and under the watchful gaze of his newly commissioned Falwellorian Guard, Donald Trump was crowned the first Emperor of the United States. As the "nay" voting members of both Houses looked on sheepishly, they placed the beautifully crafted crown (made from 24 golden Enron "E's" fashioned into a circle) on the former president's head.
"On this solemn occasion, I would like to pay tribute to our supreme creator, who has blessed me with my white patrician blood line and god-given entitlement to rule. I would like to thank the Congress for approving and funding the architectural changes I suggested (carving my head on Mt. Rushmore) even before my confirmation was official. I would also like to extend my special thanks to rabid supporters who fought the liberals in the street. If not for their blind support against the disloyal majority, I would not be standing here before you today as your emperor."
"Before I read you my usual laundry list of horror stories about immigrants and ISIS, I want to speak to you about an even greater threat. The threat of traitors and the disloyal within our own Congress. Yes, I know it's hard to believe, but there are still a few who refuse to bow down before their representative of god on earth."
Emperor Trumpanicus also announced a series of imperial appoinments, including David Duke as honorary court jester, Joe Arapiro as curator of the imperial dungeon and torture chamber, and Ann Coulter as the commander of the gumare's garrison of Washington, Pat Robertson as the White House chaplin, and Rupert Murdoch as minister of education and propoganda.
Whether or not this nightmare scenario ever really takes place is up to YOU.
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