December 12, 2005

President Admits
Killing 30,000 Iraqis
. . . More or Less

(Quotes are taken from the president's speech today in Philadelphia. Persistent rumors that Ben Franklin turned over in his grave during Bush's address could not be confirmed.)

BUSH: "We're taking the fight to those who attacked us and to those who share their murderous vision for future attacks."

THE SLIME: If you thought Bush was referring to Osama bin Laden and the Al-Qaeda sponsored 9/11 attacks, guess again. Bush's post-9/11 behavior has aptly been compared to FDR having called for the invasion of Mexico after Japan attacked Pearl Harbor.

BUSH: "Yet the terrorists have made it clear that Iraq is the central front in their war against humanity, so we must recognize Iraq is the central front in the war on terror."

THE SLIME: Except of course, that there were no Al Qaeda fighers or "terrorists" operating in Iraq before the president decided to launch his illegal and unproked invasion of Iraq, and to date no U.S. govermental agency has found a shread of credible evidence that Saddam Hussein was involved in 9/11. The president's statement also contradicts his own statements made last week claiming that the resistance to the U.S. occupation was primarily from Iraqi opposition groups and not Al-Qaeda.

BUSH: "The war on terror will take many turns, and the enemy must be defeated on many -- on every battlefield, from the streets of Western cities to the mountains of Afghanistan, to the tribal regions of Pakistan, to the islands of Southeast Asia and to the Horn of Africa."

THE SLIME: The president left out overthrowing renegade terrorist governments that lauch illegal and unprovoked invasions of sovereign nations based on publicly acknowledged lies and deceptions.

BUSH: "Last week before the Council on Foreign Relations, I explained how we are working with Iraqi forces and Iraqi leaders to help Iraqis improve security and restore order."

THE SLIME: An Orwellian statement if we ever heard one, considering the fact that the major reason for the ongoing "disorder" in Iraq is the chaos and massive destruction caused by the U.S. invasion of Iraq. An invasion which, as we all know, the president himself personally ordered.

BUSH: "I can think of no better place to discuss the rise of a free Iraq than in the heart of Philadelphia, the city where America's democracy was born."

THE SLIME: The Slime has been receiving unconfirmed reports that at the exact moment Bush spoke this line, the slab covering founding father Benjamin Franklin's grave began to shake violently and rose four inches into the air.

BUSH: "The eight years from the end of the Revolutionary War to the election of a constitutional government were a time of disorder and upheaval. There were uprisings, with mobs attacking courthouses and government buildings. There was a planned military coup that was defused only by the personal intervention of General Washington.

THE SLIME: And it's been about eight years since we had a legally elected president, and five since the Republican Supreme Court coup placed Bush on the throne. Where is George Washington when you need him? And as far as those mobs attacking government buildings, "bring it on."

BUSH: "It is important to keep this history in mind as we look at the progress of freedom and democracy in Iraq."

THE SLIME: For the second time the Slime received unconfirmed reports that the slab covering founding father Benjamin Franklin's grave began to shake violently, this time rising nearly a foot off of its resting place before slamming to the ground.

BUSH: "There's still a lot of difficult work to be done in Iraq, but thanks to the courage of the Iraqi people, the year 2005 will be recorded as a turning point in the history of Iraq."

THE SLIME: A line penned for the Goebbel's school of journalism which maintains that all you need to do to turn lies into the truth is to keep repeating them over and over again.

BUSH: "The enemy in Iraq is a combination of rejectionists and Saddamists and terrorists."

THE SLIME: What, no lions and tigers and bears? Actually, we looked up "rejectionist" in the Dubya Dictionary and it means an athiest or someone who rejects creationism and religious fundamentalism. However, "Saddamist" wasn't in the DD at all, so we're guessing Bush may have meant "sodomists."

BUSH: "The terrorists affiliated with or inspired by al Qaeda are the smallest, but most lethal group. Many are foreigners coming to fight freedom's progress in Iraq. "

THE SLIME: How is it that the leader who launched a foreign invasion of a sovereign nation can call fighters who are resisting that invasion "foreigners?" Or the foreign army sent to invade and occupy Iraq against its will "freedom fighters?"

BUSH: "Democracy takes different forms in different cultures."

THE SLIME: Apparently in Iraq demomcracy grows out of the barrel of an invader's gun. Perhaps the president has been reading Mao's "Red Book?"

BUSH: "How many Iraqi citizens have died in this war? I would say 30,000, more or less, have died as a result of the initial incursion and the ongoing violence against Iraqis. . . . And knowing what I know today, I'd make the decision again."

THE SLIME: An "incursion"? 30,000 more or less? Who's counting, right? Although the second part of Bush's answer is much scarier.

Blog Sources:

The White House.