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Dishwasher Busted:
May Be ISIS Terrorist

Detained man once worked at the same restaurant as another man related by marriage to an alleged associate of an unidentified Saudi national who may have been in the same town as an ISIS leader in 1982 in Afganistan.

A New York Slime Exclusive

Attorney General Jeff Sessions has announced a major new arrest in the war against terrorism. Sessions spoke at a hastily arranged news conference on the lawn of his palacial summer home -- once owned by the Confederate General Thomas 'Stone Wall' Jackson -- in Leesville, MO. The announcement came just as White House aides were attempting to downplay the economic fallout from the latest blue chip corporation accused of claiming billions of dollars in losses as profits.

The president has designated him an enemy combatant based on evidence from a source we cannot identify at this time for reasons of national security.

After singing a few choruses of Dixie, Sessions calmly told reporters, "Muhamed Ali Khan, a naturalized U.S. citizen from Yemen, was arrested today by FBI agents outside his studio apartment on Altantic Avenue in Brooklyn. We consider him a possible ISIS lieutenant and extremely dangerous. The president has designated him an enemy combatant based on evidence from a source we cannot identify at this time for reasons of national security."

Looks are Deceiving?
Holding up a recent FBI surveillance photo of Khan, Sessions said the 29 year-old unmarried dishwasher may be the head of a sleeper terrorist cell disguised as ten year-olds. "Don't be fooled by his baby-faced appearance. Five years ago, Khan worked at the same restaurant as a man related by marriage to an alleged possible associate of an unidentified ISIS leader who may have been in the same town as another ISIS deputy in 1982 in Afganistan."

Relatives of Khan were angry and despondent over the arrest. Holding up a dish in her hand, his mother sobbed gently and told the Slime, "Ali loves America. Donald Trump once ate in his restaurant and autographed this dish for him. He is a U.S. citizen and we can't even get a lawyer for him. We don't even know where he is."

Asked what the legal basis was to hold Khan without access to a lawyer and without being charged with a crime, Sessions said, "He's considered an enemy combatant working for a foreign entity, and doesn't have any Constitutional rights." Asked if Khan then had the right to be treated as a POW under the Geneva Convention, Sessions explained, "He's not working for a specific country, the Geneva Convention only applies to combatants from recognized countries."

Who Needs Lawyers?
Towards the end of the news conference, Sessions was questioned about whether Khan, as a U.S. citizen apparently accused of treason, would be getting a military court martial. Pausing for a moment, Sessions let out a nervous laugh and giggled, "No, that would also mean he'd have to have a lawyer."

On a related topic, when queried if rumors were true that he was meeting next month with former KGB officials in Russia to go over security protocols, Sessions declined to answer for "reasons of national security."  



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