Return to New York Slime Home Page

Vice President Cheney Shoots Lawyer

Cheney friend claims "it was an accident," but Cheney himself makes no public annnouncement.

By Michael Castellano

Vice President Dick Cheney, believed by many to be the defacto President of the United States, shot and seriously wounded attorney Harry Whittington while allegedly hunting quail on the Texas ranch of Katharine Armstrong. Ms. Armstrong is reportedly a long time friend and confident of Mr. Cheney.

Mr. Whittington (right) was still in intensive care 48 hours after the shooting. He suffered numerous bird shot wounds in the neck, chest, and back from the 28-gauge Perazzi shotgun wielded by the vice president. Whittington is a prominent senior Texas Republican who served as chairman of the state Board of Corrections from 1979 to 1985. In 1999, then-Gov. George W. Bush appointed him to the scandal-ridden State Funeral Services Commission.

Intial reports were than Cheney had shot Dan Quayle . . .

Not That Quayle
Reports of the incident did not surface for almost 24 hours, and did not come from Cheney's staff or the White House, but from The Corpus Christi Caller-Times, after ranch owner and alleged eye witness Katherine Armstrong notfied reporters the next day. Initial reports were than Cheney had shot Dan Quayle, but it was quickly determined that the wire services errored in thinking their source was referring to the former Vice President rather than a species of bird.

Not suprisingly, Cheney's office expected a cowed press core and a post 9/11 public to believe that it was perfectly reasonable that he would leave the task of releasing information on the shooting incident to a private citizen. As Ms. Armstrong later told the Associated Press, "I said, Mr. Vice President, this is going to be public, and I'm comfortable going to the hometown newspaper. . . and he said, you go ahead and do whatever you are comfortable doing."

I'd Shoot with Mr. Cheney Anytime
Apparently the vice president's friends approve of his hunting prowess, even if he does occasionally shoot a fellow hunter. Said Ms. Armstrong, "This is of course not something that you want to happen, but it does happen sometimes . . . it's a risk when any shooting sport is involved." And as if that wasn't a strong enough endorsement, she went on to say, "I would shoot (quail) with Dick Cheney everywhere, anywhere, and not think twice about it . . . (but) the nature of quail shooting ensures that this will happen. It goes with the turf." Dan Quayle can only hope that Cheney and his companions can spell better than he can.

The police investigating the shooting have already stated on the record that the shooting was an accident, which is highly irregular for an investigation less that three days old that hasn't even interviewed the shooter or the victim. Said one unnamed Kenedy County police official, "If the guy can get away with starting an unprovoked war based on a series of lies that takes tens of thousands of lives and costs the country a trillon dollars, who are we to investigate him for shooting at one washed up old attorney?"

However, while the police seem to be comfortable with Cheney shooting Whittington, wildlife officials did not appear to be too thrilled with Cheney shooting quails. They claim that while Cheney had purchased a valid non-resident hunting license, he did not obtain the required "upland game bird stamp." A spokesperson announced that Cheney would receive a warning citation, although it apparently carries no fine or penalty.

A visibly nervous McClellan stone-walled reporters who peppered him with questions as to why the White House never released the news itself.

McClellan Stonewalls Reporters
Meanwhile, White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan, who claims to be related to the famous Confederate Civil War hero Stonewall Jackson, was doing his best to imitate the general. A visibly nervous McClellan stonewalled and double-talked reporters who peppered him with questions as to why the White House never released the news itself, and why it was left to a civilian to report that Cheney had shot someone.

McClellan also refused to say precisely when the president was informed of the shooting, or when he learned that the shooter was Mr. Cheney. According to McClellan, he and Bush were first told there was a shooting involving Cheney's hunting party, and only later were told that Cheney had been the shooter. No explanation was offered as to why President Bush was not immediately informed that Mr. Cheney had shot somebody, or how they could have been notified that there was a "shooting accident" and not also be immediately advised that Mr. Cheney was the shooter. (Video of McClellan's Press Conference -- a must watch!)

When questioned about why the Vice President would request that a private citizen release information of such importance a full day after the incident, he deferred an answer to the Vice President's office. In fact, McClellan deferred responses to questions to Cheney's office more than a dozen times. Including one reporter who asked if McClellan had heard reports that Ms. Armstrong went forward with releasing the information on her own the next day without any request to do so from Cheney.   



Email a New York Slime Link to a Friend   

All content on The New York Slime web site is intended solely as political satire and social commentary, and constitutes protected free speech under the First Amendment of the Constitution of the United States. Quotes and circumstances attributed to celebrities and politicians, living or dead, are fictional and strictly for laughs.