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Clinton Gets Prestigious
'Waffle Award' for
'Don't Ask, Don't Tell'


As thousands looked on and cheered, a smiling President Clinton proudly accepted The Hewmon Rights Campaign's prestigious Waffle Award for his adept, one step foward, two steps back handling of his controversial policy towards gay and lesbian people in the military. Interupted by applause 32 times, the President reminded the gathering that thanks to his 'don't ask, don't tell' policy, "No gay or lesbian will be booted out of the service without due process."

Presented by Spesh L. Entrists, Deputy Director of The Hewmon Rights Campaign's Political Action Committee, the award cited Clinton for "exemplary deviousness and duplicity which far exceded the established boundaries for the average two-faced politican."

"Clinton should be arrested for walking backwards faster than the legal speed limit."

As Clinton was receiving the award inside, an angry group of about 200 protesters outside calling itself "The Ferengie LGBT Liberation Front" hoisted up a huge yellow paper mache "Forked Tongue Award." Speaking for the group, Abbey Ferengenar denounced both Clinton and HRC. "The Hewmons (an apparent slang expression for The Hewmon Rights Campaign) should have demanded that Clinton be arrested for walking backwards faster than the legal speed limit. Instead they're giving him that ridiculous award and that equally ridiculous golden waffle iron. The next thing they'll want us Ferengies to do is start wearing clothes and cover up our ears."

Ferengenar, a former marine discharged after being caught 'rubbing lobes' with another marine, says his group would like to see "the discredited Clinton policy replaced with a sex affirmative policy that protects all military personel's right to have consentual relations with whomever they choose, as long as it's on their own time, and as long as they are not in a declared combat zone."

D'Amato Defends Award
Speaking in support of The Hewmon Rights Campaign, former Senator Alphonse D'Amato defended the Clinton award. "I know I've had my differences with the President. But before the 'don't ask, don't tell policy' was enacted, dozens of gays and lesbians were drummed out of the service annually without due process. Now, the hundreds being kicked out each year are being discharged legally and with the full democratic protection of the military code of justice. The President showed moxie and deserves credit for what he has done."

Speaking for The Hewmon Rights Campaign, Robin Taylor also defended the policy and praised Clinton for his political courage. "We know that 'don't ask, don't tell' is not a perfect policy. But we had a secret meeting with the President right after the shit hit the fan and the military went ballistic. We agreed with him that a compromise had to be struck, and this was the best we could expect under the circumstances."

"Clinton's policy is a classic Catch-22 that Joseph Heller himself would be proud of."

Asked to comment on Taylor's remarks, Abbey Ferengenar put an entirely different spin on things. "Clinton's 'don't ask, don't tell' policy is a classic 'Catch-22' that Joseph Heller himself (author of the book with the same name) would be proud of. If you're gay or a lesbian and shut up about it or lie and say you're not gay and don't get caught, then you're OK. But as soon as you come out or tell the truth you're booted out. And it gets even better, or actually worse I mean. If somebody asks you if you're gay, even though they're not supposed to, and you tell them 'yes,' then you're booted out because you 'told.' If you tell them no, you get booted out for lying!"   

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